The grey flap

Always talking about changing gets quite odd and is simply not the bottom line I actually want to drop here. I’m saying this, because I just wanted to start this very post with words like “Something has to change” or “It’s time for a change”. But that’s basically wrong, after rethinking the choice of my words. A correct term would be something like “I’ve to continue following and influencing evolution”

So, what does that basically include. First of all, it will include a change, but for certain reasons I won’t and can’t mention it here. Details will follow in a couple of month, when everything is safe and secure to talk about here. Period.

On the other hand, I will start doing sports again, no matter what. My spare time shrunk to a minimum, which is still pissing me off, because most of the time that it has finally gotten that way is because of the incompetence of others. I’m a person that don’t like to fail because of the mistakes of others. The only fail I can accept, is when it’s based on my own faults. Messing up, just because of anybody else, is completely unacceptable.

But back to the actual point – sports. I gained an overweight that became badass dead serious. It’s like 25 to 30 kg too much and it’s getting more and more the more weeks do pass by. I’m not having a detailed and completely scheduled plan at the moment, but the basic rules are set. It’s the ban of sweets again. Nutrition has to change as a whole in my life again. Even though there’s a lot of seduction going on with commercials and ads in the supermarket popping your eyes like a needle. I simply have to learn to resist again. I pretty often think back to those days where I lived straight edge. And then I remember how lucky and happy I actually was.

It wasn’t only a thing because of the endorphins that were pumped through my body and brain in this sports period. It was also a thing that all the poisons that I once ingested were gone and my whole body fell back to its basics. This sounds pretty much like the words of an odd and creepy philosophy professor, but that’s what describes it the best. More than ever do I feel like I’ve to get back to this way of life again. I’m probably go to make certain rules again, but not that strict like I did back in the days.

The other thing that I’m currently try to improve on is my creative eye. I revisited my photo collection and reviewed all the pictures I’ve done on several journeys and it’s terrible. Apart from all the technical mistakes I made, it’s a creative disaster. Seriously, out of around 7,000 pictures I took, only a handful is actually worth using and editing. It has improved during the last couple of month, because I took a lot of effort by studying workflows of other photographers, their techniques and composing pictures itself. I underestimated how much wrong camera settings can do, to actually destroy your vision of a certain picture you have in mind.

I have tons and tons of examples in my collection to prove that particular fact and I will continue working on getting better and drift as far away as I possibly can from these terrible results. I’ve recently ordered some books to give me more theoretical understanding in the field of composing and simply seeing things creatively. One of the reasons I’m doing this, I’m tired of only working with computers and networks, they bore me to death.

These are the things for now, my plans on how to influence my own personal evolution and give certain things a flap and improve. Because improvement is what makes lives worth living.

Rrrrrrrooooaaaaarrr

With several issues like a tendency for a slight depression, a permanently appearing insomnia, chronic overweight, sexual aversion and the lack of concentration for almost anything, I was just asking myself if I’ve already reached the point to get someone professional. All the previously mentioned things mixed together are, in my opinion, an almost deadly mix. I carry several things with me that might want to come out or not. Who knows?

A simple moment of success is month away. Even temper is a phrase that got lost in my personal dictionary month ago, too. Aggression, my second forename. Razor-sharp mind got lost in one of these nights without a single eye closed. Bothered and stressed by everything – that’s me. In other words, I’m in the worst condition ever.

Sickness

The origin for all this is unknown to me. Maybe it’s a neurosis or some other compulsive behaviour. Whatever it is, it starts ruining everything which makes me sick. I’m searching for the cause of my, without a doubt, weird symptoms. I think about it almost every single minute when I’m awake which leads to my inability to concentrate on other important things. This is truly a vicious circle.

Trying to “escape” into certain activities that could be something like a possible cure failed. I’m also scared that those activities will also lead to an addiction that causes more disease than I’m currently into. It doesn’t matter how I twist it, I see no option nor an opportunity to get rid of these.