Tag Archives: sadness

Bully the dreams you dreamt

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The majority of people tends follow a dream. Each and everyone of us has some kind of a goal in life or at least a vision. That’s totally natural and having dreams and visions helps us to stay focused and let us work and fight for this one thing we envision. One of the secrets in life is, you always need to have at least one goal and this one thing to keep you going on. Even though man always longs for complete satisfaction and fulfilment is complete satisfaction and fulfilment the one thing that finally destroys man. This can be a lot of things, like a happy family, a house, a particular car, a travel destination and so on. These days you’ll find mainly material goals instead of the spiritual ones that you could find in the pre industrialized society.

And that’s the point. When you ask people what they want in life, what their biggest wish actually is. You’ll hear at one certain point that they want to win the lottery jackpot. Lots of people are decent and will answer things like to stay healthy or no trouble for my family. But this jackpot seems to mean a lot for a vast majority.

Love, tenderness or decency

Winning such a jackpot turns out to be a curse. You’ll feel like you’ve reached all goals set with one hit without even realizing that you’re on the wrong track. You start to lie to yourself because this win is so overwhelming that it makes you forget what you truly want. Firstly, you won’t realize it and secondly you’ll find out when it’s already too late. That’s the moment where you literally stand on the edge of a giant cliff asking you the question if all your decisions were right. And after a while of looking deeply into yourself and reconsider your past you’ll find, that it was wrong. You were blinded by the splendor of your lucky fate that finally becomes one of your biggest nightmares.

Decency is a virtue and pretty rare these days. I include myself as well in this club of media driven whores that try to get every special item they can get. And this very materialism is the reason for the loss of focus on the spiritual and social things that make life worth a living. I’ve seen a lot people that have almost everything they could have wished or that are in position to finally get everything they want – material wise. But after scratching a little on the surface I found a shattered person with an infinite sadness hugging them in a pale, dark cloud making them unable to see the real thing.

It’s even more disappointing when you stand in this cloud and you start realizing. The golden cage comparison may not be the best one, but is the one finally will fit the describing needs in this very matter. Try to image you’ll find yourself in a position with all the things you always wanted – material wise. You navigate yourself into a gluttony that, again, leads to laziness and ignorance. Even though you’re open minded you’ll find yourself surrounded by the previously mentioned “splendor” but you lack of empathy. Cars, houses, TVs, video game consoles, luxury apartments, well paid jobs – things to keep you busy 24 hours, seven days a week but they cripple you mentally.

I can understand people when they say that their lottery win was the worst thing ever happened to them, because I had this kind of lottery win, too. And it’s devastating me. I measured things wrong. I wasn’t focused on what is truly important for me and last but not least, I was blinded.

Driven by an unknown source

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It’s been weeks now that I suffer from these weird depressions I’ve mentioned in one of my previous posts. I actually do not understand where they come from and most importantly, why I’ve got them. The depression period is much longer than the previously mentioned weeks, a couple of month to be more exact. But it’s a couple of weeks now that I recognize them with more awareness.

Curiously, this is a condition that I’ve never experienced before and additionally did I never believe, that I could probably notice a depression without even knowing the cause. I’m a very cynical person and I also don’t give that much about mind related illnesses. According to this I find this current state even more hilarious. Also very frightening. It’s like standing right beside yourself without the possibility to actually reach yourself.

Basically it comes out of nowhere. A phase of deep sadness and loss of self-confidence. Like I said before, I don’t give much about those things and I also find people using therapy for mental illnesses simply waste money of our health care system. This loss of control about my emotional circumstances confuse me.

I’ve got several presumptions about this whole thing. One’s a job-wise one and the other one is a location-wise one. I also presume that the massive loss of spare time could be one reason, too. Another thing, I’m always tired and exhausted each and every time. I’ve got this weird lack of concentration and attention and I personally think that I failed on almost everything during the last few month.

My overall condition is far from good at the moment, but I’m aware of that and I personally do not think that this the reason for this melancholy driven sadness that affects me here and then. To be honest, I don’t have one sodding, important reason to be sad or depressed, but it affects me everyday and mostly in the worsts moments one can imagine.