Run, Forest, run!

Last post was back in August, right before I went off for my vacation. A lot of things happened in the between time and I’ll try to give you a short report about the recent events.

The vacation itself was for one week only and I tried to used it to focus a lot on sports and improving certain disciplines – running, for instance. Back in the days of August I was still suffering from some minor injuries in my right foot, mainly fibre related, that were causing some trouble to correctly balance my right foot while running. As a result of this, I had some serious problem to normally walk after a running session, because I wasn’t able put my foot on the ground without any pain. Pain also occurs while resting the foot.

Whatever the case, I continued to run no matter what kind of injury I was suffering from and it became better and better. I ran around 45 km on my vacation and it seemed to have some sort of curing effect. I was very happy about these circumstances and I was now able to take the whole running thing to a new level.

I still have to admit, I’ve chosen running, because it was one of these kind of sports that I liked least and it would take a lot of willpower to get through this. And another aspect, I didn’t want to leave my running team for the relay run high and dry.

A couple of training sessions were left until the big day – the relay run. I finished them smoothly and without any interruptions or any other disturbances. The day of the relay run itself was very exciting, because I’ve never been to such an event as an athlete. Actually, I’ve never been to any sports event.

I couldn’t ever image that there will be so many runners in my hometown appearing on such an event. I was so excited that very day, that I even forgot where the meeting point for my team was, but we finally found each other and we were ready to run. I was the third of five runners in my mixed team. The whole starting area was very crowded and I did not realize how this whole this would work in the first place, but after a couple of minutes and after the first round was finished I’ve finally found out, how this relay run does work.

I’ve finished my lap in 11:59 min for a 2.5 km distance, which was more than two minutes faster than the time I was running at the very beginning of my training. I was happy with this result and it’s something I can build on. I’m not a Usain Bolt but on the other hand even no fatty with a short breath after 100 meters of running.

After this run I’ve tasted blood for these kind of events and I instantly registered for another in mid October, which I will tell you about in my next post.

Blurring lines

The dog gets a dry nose when he’s not doing well. Common people get fever or feel odd when they’re not doing well, too. Me, I stop playing video games and almost every other activity that basically used to entertain me. Something is currently terribly wrong and I can’t exactly tell what it actually is.

It starts with the alarm clock in the morning and ends with the toothbrush in the evening. I feel totally uncomfortable with everything. Everything bothers me. Everything gets on my nerves. Everything bores me. Everything gives me enough arguments to hate it. I’m always tired, which is one of the reasons for everything previously mentioned. And I feel exhausted as well.

The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I can’t locate the origin of this disease. It’s easy to say, “I’m don’t feel right because of, …”

That is the crux. If you ask me what is wrong, I wouldn’t be able to answer. One thing I could guess, the traveling each and every day. A couple of month ago I felt happy about the fact that there’s a period in my schedule that allows me to relax and come down and turn the switch. That’s a problem I suffer from for many years. When you’re into a job that includes activities that are also a part of your spare time activities, you barely have the chance to completely get rid of such things. The lines between job and hobby blur and finally lead to a stress factor that in reverse cause this kind of burn out.

I first noticed this issue almost a decade ago, where I agreed to make a long term test with a psychologist we had in my company back in the days. I ran through different written tests that were set on specific dates over a period of something like two month. I’m not certain how long the tests actually went.

After running through these tests and several conversations with our psychologists I received the result. Conclusion of all this was, I’ve got a serious problem with making a straight cut between work and spare time. The reasonable fact that my hobby does not really differ from the things I had to do at work increased the degree of my problem. I always suffered from burn out like symptoms in almost every job that stood in any relationship with IT.

To be honest, I considered changing my occupational field for years. The wish for a change repeats in time intervals tending to be quite shorter than the one before. In other words, I feel like I’ve reached a dead end street not sure for how long I can push myself to do what I currently do. On the other hand, this is the only thing I’ve learned. And my own comic book store or video game store, for instance, would lead to the same problem. A hobby turned into a job.

I’m so jealous about those people doing something for living that has nothing in common with things they use to do in their spare time. Meanwhile, I always feel terribly annoyed when someone asks me about computer related things or wants some help. Years ago, I was starving for opportunities like these. Nowadays I just feel bored to death. It’s only a handful of people receiving help. Seriously, my “talent” disgusts me and in the meantime a lot of people noticed this and my generic aversion. Without a doubt, my entity’s changed and my sodding work has a lot of proportion on that.

The Commuter

Another theory of mine what it could be, that bothers and puts me down. My current location. It’s not a problem with the location where I live, I feel depressed by the village I work at. When you’re a person who lives in bigger cities for quite major part of your life, you’re used to several conveniences the “big city” brings with. I literally work at the edge of an abandoned field, a duck pond in sight and utility poles on the horizon. No infrastructure around. And that’s the point.

It’s not that I’m the kind of a guy permanently being off office and enjoying an extended lunch break, but I’m the kind of guy who seems to get terribly disturbed by the fact, that his infrastructure he was used to is gone. Seriously, I hate the fact that even my way home wastes like one hour and a half and that I can no longer do some private business whenever I want, because I simply don’t have the opportunities right here. Meanwhile, I doubt that I’m a commuter. It sickens me. It’s fun for several weeks, but I can barely imagine doing this for years.

That kind of luxury I once had and which is currently lost seems to be part of my desolate condition I’m currently in. In these very few moments that I have to wander around in my hometown, I walk around with eyes wide open and my chops fall down. Like one of these village people that have a great experience to get when they “visit the city”. For f#$k’s sake. I bloody miss this, and it chokes my throat every morning where I leave my city by train. I’m a Sissy in this special case, but I seriously feel like handcuffed at the moment.

To get the facts straight, I got myself into this and sooner or later I’ll get rid of this. Currently I’m saying to myself that I have to get through this and take this as an experience. Maybe, just maybe, my mind and my attitude will change on this whole suspect. Maybe I should take a long vacation somewhere far away to recharge. Maybe I should ignore all this and live kind of sad into each new day, wearing a mask with a grin. Actually, a lot of people will get confused seeing me with a grin on my face. Most of this emotional baggage is a result of years living a luxurious way of live which does not depend on money.

Now, more than ever, I’m aware of the preciousness to have time. One or two hours can make such a big difference these days.


It’s been for a very long time now that I’m carrying some kind of “emotional baggage” with me. Actually I’m not sure if that’s the correct term for the current circumstances, but for some reasons do I feel depressed and exhausted for a very, very long time now. There’s nothing that can give this whole thing a change. Time passes by and its speed is permanently increasing. I’m not satisfied with anything.

I’ve been this moody during summer time and the time period before and I refuse to say that this is just a meteorosensitive phase. I seriously have no sodding idea where those moods are coming from or what causes them. Even in a moment of pure happiness I feel totally depressed and down.


One reason for all this may be the unavailability to capture the current moment. This sounds a lot like phantasm, but I always feel like, I can’t grab what’s there right now, I’m always on the chase for something that’ll be in the future. When I reach that very point I was chasing, it instantly turns out meaningless. I was thinking about this for a long time and I still haven’t found a true solution for this issue.

Fulfillment is what I’m missing and I don’t know where I lost the ability to capture the now and then. I’m like stuck to dates and schedules set fix in the future. On the other hand I also lost a lot of my patience. Not that I get instantly mad and furious, it’s more a lack of concentration and patience while doing things. It even affects my work. My head’s fulfilled with future plans and multiple paths to walk on and kinds of totally different projects that nothing is getting done in the end.

I really long for a journey offside all these things and by that I don’t mean three weeks of vacation. I seriously feel like I should change something for real. But, for Christ’s sake… I dunno

Back in the 19th century people went to a club where they could buy some Opium and fell deep into their minds and review their thoughts and feeling. Sodding hell, get me some Opium!

The laziness of being edge

It’s been three days now in the new Straight edge project and not much has changed in particular. Right now I’m just find to get away from the gluttony that was possessing me over the last few weeks. I also changed my daily schedule a little bit, I started to get up much earlier in morning with the simple goal to recently have more of the day. Actually I am very tired these days, but I guess it’s a circumstance only for the time being and I guess I’m done with this by the beginning of the week. When it comes to sports I have to announce that I haven’t made it to the gym yet and I’m not sure if I can make to the gym this week. It’s not because I don’t have the time for that, it’s simply that I don’t have the lust for gym. I don’t want to fall into a strict day schedule where I have to do things I actually don’t want to do.┬áMy weight has increased drastically since my last vacation and I honestly don’t feel like I can go into public with all that fat on my hips. I should lose some weight by simply changing nutrition and then go to gym. Otherwise do I feel that urgent need to go swimming, while underwater no one can realise how fat I truely am.

Back and new acceleration

It’s been while since writing here the last time because I was on a three week long vacation through the western part of the USA and afterwards I got caught by a flu that kept me more in bed than in front of a computer. Anyhow, I’m back to my blog and will start writing as continiously as you know it from the month before my vacation and sickness. Till now I’m not sure if I go to write down some of the experiences I made in the US or if I just leave it up to my gallery, which will be updated within the next 3-4 weeks. We will see…

I’ve made some decent changes to my gaming PC, I changed the graphic card to be exact. I exchanged the Geforce 260GTX with a brand new and just released Geforce 570GTX. Until now the card is still aircooled but will hopefully receive a waterblock within the next few days and more hopefully beforce christmas. The Geforce 570GTX rocks, that’s what I can say as a first impression and after testing some games, demos and benchmarks. The cards wasn’t impressed by games like Crysis, GTA IV and Far Cry 2 in ultra settings. The card moved like a hot knife through butter when it comes to a DX11 test with Metro 2033 and Bad Company 2. The Geforce 260GTX will now move to my media center and will get an airblock (triple fan) instead of the waterblock that is installed right now but I’ll keep the overclocked BIOS on the card because I need some more Megahertzs for Full HD gaming (especially for the jungle stage in Street Fighter IV). Until now I’m not sure if I go and replace the BIOS on the Geforce 570GTX, too. It depends on the coorporation with NiBiTor. Anyhow, the new card was a cool deal and I’m pretty sure we both will have some fun hours together in the future… Metro 2033 here I come…

Runner’s sickness

After a long period without sports caused by some rigid laziness and a week of simply being sick I finally made it back to the gym and some tough and rough training sessions. I say tough and rough because this is going to last till my long awaited vacation (hell, am I excited) and it will be four weeks, to be exact and offers no room for longer rests or pauses. It’s five times a week, two hours and a half of merciless training every morning. According to the fact that I haven’t been to gym for such a long time I will stick to these conditions only for these four weeks because more of this training plan could and will cause serious injuries to me and my body. Like I said, there’s no time for longer rests except the weekends. I try to watch my nutrition more carefully with a focus on protein rich food. Hopefully I’ll loose 4-5kg in these four weeks and my overall body condition improves.

I already found one big disadvantage of this training, because I got to know the runner’s diarrhea again. Fortunately does it not affect me too hard but my digestion is definately disturbed and is not functioning very well. I can’t deny that I have an overweight of around 10-15kg which is one cause for this digestion thingy. Another cause is a loss of blood in the digestive tract because, logically, the blood is needed elsewhere when I run for like 30 minutes. The regeneration phase takes about 10-16 hours after the training and everything is fine again. I’ve also did some research on this and it is said that this kind of runner’s sickness disappears after a while, mainly when the whole circulation got more comfortable with the “act of running” and can provide the correct amount of blood everywhere. Hopefully…

Lazy edging

Seriously, I became pretty lazy within the last days after my vacation. Though I am glad that I can keep my new “low” weight and I am willed to do everything in a sports way to hold it that way I wasn’t able to trick my inner ratfink and make it off to gym for a nice training session or to the park to do a jog. I awoke everyday since Monday at 04:00am to the ring of my alarm clock and I really wanted to go to gym BUT I was actually too tired to do so. Well, I guess I just need one normal session at the gym in the evening, just to lick some sweat and blood and I’ll be able to kick off in the very early morning.

Well, finally I can say at least that everything else in project “Straight edge 2.0” works perfectly fine and there were no rule breaks until now. Okay, okay, okay, okay… there was ┬áthis small cupcake this one day but though it was extremely sweet and felt like it holds galleons of calories it wasn’t such a serious sin like the ones in the past. You might remember the two beers right after the start of the first straight edge project. So, this week will pass without sports BUT I promise to do better in the future, next week to be exact.

Straight edge 2.0

I am sorry that I didn’t wrote for such a long time and that I did not spread out any news considering my straight edge project and how it will continue. First things first, I was on vacation in France for the last two weaks, while being there I decided to continue living with my straight edge rules that exist till now. I don’t want to make any bigger changes because I think that the rules are good in the way they are now. Maybe I will change some things in the future and I’m still thinking about adding one or two new rules but it should not become too complex in the end.

I also have to admit that I was not following my rules as tightly as I have done it before I was on vacation. The reason for this is simple. When I am on vacation and when I have the rare opportunity to have some time on my own and with my beloved girl I don’t want to live like a monk. Well, of course I didn’t touch any alcohol or cigarettes and anything like that but when it comes to nutrition I had to try one or two desserts. But, hey dudes!!! I was in France and I had to experience the whole entired french cuisine.

But now straight edge continues for 12 month and and the weight I want to reach is now set to 90kg (198,41 lbs). Today I have something around 98kg so my weight did not increase drastically while being away. The deadline for 90kg is 1. October 2010, so there’s a lot of sports to do and to chose food wisely. There will be no exceptions in food like I mentioned them in a post a while ago. Everything will stay like it is now. Seven simple rules to follow and nothing else.

Finish it

This week is the week of the finishing line. Project “Straight Edge” in version 1.0 is going to end on 15th July and on the other side I am pretty sure that my paladin in World of Warcraft will reach level 80. He’s level 77 right now and I’ll kick him up to level 79 this very evening. I bought my first part of the tier-9 set, some real nice shoulder armor that I can send the old shoulders to my undead warrior. Yep, yep, yep account bound items rule

But back to straight edge and a preview of version 2.0 of the project. There’s no doubt, version 2.0 will last for twelve month and there will be some rule changes. I was recognizing a lot of rule breaks when it comes to nutrition. You might remember the change to rule #5 because there was a kind of backdoor in consideration with sweets. So I decided to introduce the exception meal where I can whatever I want but only if rule #7 is fulfilled. I personally think that this kind of connecting rules with each other will make the whole thing more interesting and a little bit exciting to me.

Unfortunately is the weather absolutely exhausting these days because the temperature increased drastically but the humidity did not decrease. This like a murder to sports especially when you’re overweighted and your stamina is not as good as it should be. I was on a good way to get a better stamina but with conditions like these I definately have to do a step backwards and I cannot do sports at least four time a weak. If I am able to have two gym sessions a week I could very happy. It’s more a torture than an amusement. I guess I can do two sessions this week and then my vacation and trip to France will start.

If I’ll ever get the chance to do some kind of sports on my vacation I’ll definately grab it by the hand and do it. Meal exceptions are not allowed though it’s my vacation and it mainly there for recovery and fun. Hopefully I’ll be able to do some nice pictures with my Canon EOS 500D. I haven’t touched my baby for nearly two month and before it comes to vacation I have to shoot some pictures on a marriage. I fucking hate taking pictures of people. Portraits are okay but only if it’s a person I like or I feel comfortable with. But these stupid snapshots of a dumb ass party crowd are what really pisses me off. I haven’t bought my camera to do stupid snap- and mugshots, this is what grannies and old daddies do with their ugly ultra-compact cameras.

Heating edge

This week is by far the weakest week in my straight edge project. I made it only one time off to gym and it felt like a torture. You must know that the summer broke in to our country and the temperature increased drastically. It feels like you’re melting away the whole day. Another point why I didn’t made it off to gym is my nowadays tiredness. I feel a kind of burnt out and pretty exhausted at the moment because everything simply stresses me and I can barely catch a clear thought while concentrating on anything.

Straight Edge - wallpaper by ~x-vegan-x

I am proud to announce that there were no backlashs. I resisted alcohol and cigarettes and I kept to my latest rule change. My weight also did not increase and is a kind of stable for now. By the beginning of next week and after catching a looooot of sleep over the weekend I will definately go to gym every workday. There’s still the goal to reach 96kg (211.64lbs) by the beginning of my vacation in two weeks and by reaching the last milestone in this very first straight edge project of mine. Straight edge 2.0 is on its way…