Two sins and a friendly scale

Week two of my straight edge project lies in the past and there were a few hurdles to take and some of them fell down. First things first, a friend of mine moved to another apartment last weekend and me and a few friends were helping him out to get the job done as fast as possible. We finally moved the whole furnitue in about three and a half hour and you might expect it, when a handful of men comes to hard work, the beer is not far away. Though I said in the beginning that I am not going to drink alcohol I finally could not resist and had to drink my favourite brew of beer that was bought especially for me. Actually I do not feel very guilty about it according to the fact that I was simply thirsty and of course I did some real hard and tough work. I have to admit that I felt a little dizzy and I actually did not really liked it after the first bottle but this feeling was soon to be gone. That was the first sin.

Secondly me and my girl decided to eat this god damn ice cream we still had in the fridge. We ate a small portion on Saturday evening and another one on late afternoon on Sunday. Though it was a kind of sin and against the rules in this project I was a kind of proud that I could devide the ice into quarters that we could eat from it more than one time. This was nearly impossible in the past, because I mainly destroyed a pack of ice cream in about half an hour completely without leaving anything for another day or another person. I would say I am an ice cream addicted.

After these two sins and rule breaks in this very project I can also announce something truely nice that made me reeeaaally lucky today. My weight dropped down to 99,5kg (219.36lbs) and hopefully it will stay down there and will continue to fall to lower values. My goal until 15th June is 96kg (211.64lbs) and I finally want to reach 92kg (202.83lbs) by 15th July. A lot of people told me that this is nearly impossible but I do not want to give up without giving it a try. I know I can make it. On the other hand, the weights that I mortise in gym are getting more massive. My muscles feel more “comfortable” with the training and I was able to increase a few weights on some training machines. I am pretty much fixed on training back and abdominals because my opinion is that you can train much better when the center of your body is trained and stabilized. And, by the way, I do not want to end with a ruined, hurting back.

As a conclusion, the last week showed me that I am still not a 100 percent able to resist the seductions of life but on the other I can see that my everyday training shows the first effects. I think that this project is going to be tougher in the nearby future, but I am not sure what is going to be tougher, the resistance or the training. I always have to remind me that just two weeks have past and lots will follow and that there is no need to get devil-may-care.

One week after

Over one week has passed in the straight edge project and though it was tough on the very first weekend I can say that it is getting easier every day. But on the other hand I have to admit that it is still hard to resist the seductions in every day life. Everytime whenI feel the need to eat something sweet and delicious or when I just get an appetite for food I suck a licorice drop. I also have to say that it is easy to resist seductions when you are on own and everything is in a kind of “under control” but as soon as you leave the house and visit some friends for example you see that control is getting loose and you find more and more obstacles on your way to be straight edge. It is natural to serve coffee when you visit someone at 3:00pm and it is also natural when visit someone with a new born baby with a small group visitors that this person is not going to cook something special for you when it comes to dinner. I am not sure if I should feel like a sinner because I can’t say that my nutrition was always “perfect” but I was mainly eating a kind of unhealthy in groups when there was no other choice. I know that this is no excuse but I haven’t found a potential solution by know.

Fitness 3 by ~Swisst

Another announcement I have to make is that I started to go to gym before work at about 5:00am in the morning. I was a little bit of skeptic if I can have the workout with the same intense like it is in the evening. Finally I found out that there is no difference for me in my overall ability and last but not least that a workout in the morning is much more efficient for someone like me who wants to lose weight and fat. I do not eat breakfast before gym in the morning so the fat burning progress is starting much earlier as it is going to happen on a workout in the evening.

One serious problem I found in combination with my workout is that I cannot measure my progress by watching my weight because it going up and down on a high level around 204 – 208lbs. I guess it would be a finer way to control progress if I start measuring belly, arms and legs weekly. One goal of training is to gain muscles and my sustentation includes a lot of proteine so I personally think that I gained a lot muscles over the last days so that controlling weight will not indicate how much fat I lost.

Next positive thing I have to mention is that I found fun in cooking. I am not a very talented cook but it is fun at all to do more than opening the pizza box and placing the pizza in cooker. My cooked meals are mainly made with chicken and rice. Chicken to gain proteine and rice to fill the stomach and receive as little calories as possible. And, of course there are always some fresh vegetables included in my meal like tomatoes and pepper.

My final conclusion after more than one week of living straight edge is that I feel much better and healther though the project is only over one week old and definately will continue with this. By now I don’t see something that will make so frustrated that I feel the need to quit.

R.I.P. Steve

I received one of these unpopular messages yesterday evening via ICQ. One of my best friends told me that our concerted friend who used to be with us on every party and every single event we went to was found dead in front of his house last weekend. He was only 28 years old.

Though he was one of these “cursory friends”, he was a good friend of mine and we shared a lot of interests. We had lots of funny and refreshing conversations about all kinds of things but mainly about the “good damn users” because he, like me, was a systems administrator too. He also was an awesome bass player gifted with talent and an open mind for all kinds of music.

Unfortunately do we had to find out by last years October that he was a psychotic too who was suffering from paranoia and schizophrenia. He had to spent several weeks in a sanitarium followed by a long treatment after freaking out. I don’t really know what exactly happened to him over the last few weeks but I personally guess it got something to do with his psychosis and the medicals he had to ingest. He was a party animal but medicals mixed with alcohol and too many cigarettes will not fit together for long. But this is only a guessing of mine.

Rest in peace Steve. We will miss you.

Buuurn baby

Before the beginning of the whole straight edge project thing I thought that visiting the gym is going to be a duty call for the first weeks or even months. But I was mistaken, the last two sessions in gym gave me back the passion and the willpower to get something done and moving and to improve myself. While being in gym and feeling once again the burning of my muscles and defeating my ratfink in the cardio area the joy and fun came back much earlier than I thought. Honestly I cannot wait to get into gym again. Today is a day off to get a little rest and tomorrow I will try to go to gym in the early morning at around 5:00 am just to see if it’s possible to get a satisfying train result or if I fall instantly asleep on the reverse butterfly. We will see…

I have to mention that since the beginning of my personal challenge project I gained about 4lbs of weight and I do not know where it came from. Well, okay there was this pepperoni that crossed my way and told me to eat her but on the other hand I don’t really care about weight in the first 3-4 weeks because I personally think that my whole body and metabolism is so irritated about the things happening right now that my weight for sure will go up and down like a rollercoaster. Anyhow, the whole project is mainly about resisting things in everyday life and NOT about losing weight.

Stroke your EOS

It has been a while since my last photography related post and the reason for this is very simple. Everything I produced with my camera during the last weeks was a bunch of crap and absolutely worthless. I completely miscalculated the amount of creativity needed to produce nice pics. My opinion was that I take my camera, see something worth to shoot and hit the trigger. I am not talking about technical obstacles to take, it is all about the creativity. It depressed me in a way that the results varied so drastically but like every ‘artist’ you have to gain positive energy even from a misery.

I was near selling my camera and giving up my newly discovered hobby but I finally cleared my mind and continued my discovery into the great world of photography. I am going to release some of the brand new pics in my gallery here on bloodreaver.com and some hand picked and very nice ones will find their way to deviantart.com and their related groups. What should I say, I survived my personal lack of creativity and will definately continue photography. I plan to go mainly further with taking landscape pictures over the next two or three month and if some routine comes into play and every technical question is answered I plan to get into more into macro and portait photography. Hopefully I will be able to find some distinctive motives for portrait photography.

A walk on the straight side

The first two days of my “Living straight edge” project has past and the first impression I got – “Damn, this is seriously tough”

Curiously the smallest problem I had was to stop smoking, the problem that is/was even worth was to disclaim sweets, candy and caffeine. Now I know how much I am addicted to caffeine and my once beloved Coke Zero. According to the sleep problems I got in the last few month and the tiny amount of sleep and rest every night I would say that this is one of the larger steps to be taken, to get away from caffeine.

Another thing that nearly drove me mad were the seductions everywhere. Wherever you go to you will find something really tasty that wants to be bought, that wants to be eaten and that wants to be consumed. I was a kind of shocked from myself that I am so devotional to tasty food. I have to confess that I was a sinner by ordering a Diet Coke in a restaurant because I was not regarding the rules of my project and forget the caffeine paragraph. I am sorry and promise to do better in the future. Well, the next step to take is the four times of sport a week. My enthusiasm is around zero degree but I am pretty sure that this is going to change within the first training sessions.

Living straight edge

Something has to change, something real massive has to change – me.

My weight increased about 11kg during the past 6 months. Actually I stopped smoking and now I am smoking again. I stopped abusing alcohol and now I am drinking alcohol again. Disturbed by these three facts I decided to start a new personal project that will start on 15th May and will have its first big milestone 15th July. I will call it “Living straight edge” and by now it includes the following rules based on the straight edge movement

  1. Say no to alcohol! Do not drink alcohol!
  2. Say no to cigarettes! Do not smoke!
  3. Say no to caffeine! Do not drink coffee or coke and things like that!
  4. Say no to adiposity! Lose 10kg of weight and increase your stamina!
  5. Say no to any kind of drugs! Period!
  6. Say no to chocolate and candy! Subsist yourself healthy!
  7. Say no to couch potatoes! Do sport and fitness at least four times a week!

Like I said, these are the magic rules by now that I will try to follow from 15th May till 15th July. I will document progress in this blog and I will also let you know of the troubles and seducements I will have to handle and to face with. I am sure that this is a real hard project but life would be pretty boring without challenges. If this project lasts and survives until 15th July it will continue but the rules will change.

Musical exploration

About 10 years ago I finally finished the work on my very first solo musical output. I don’t want to say record or CD release because technically it was a bundle release of some of my older and newer compositions in MP3 format on the internet as a free download. I didn’t even made a big thing out of it and it didn’t find many listeners, I guess the downloads were something around a 1.000 “copies”. During a flush of excitement I started composing on something that would be more structured and even got a kind of concept included. Those days the concept was raw spoken ‘man enslaved by his own machines’ and the ‘record’ should have sounded in a way like this. Raw, dark and unsettling.

Curiously the working progress stopped after two compositions and was never touched again. One reason was that I abruptly lost interest in that project and secondly my music equipment and everything that comes into play with such a project could not measure up the requirements. One problem was that I had no software that could handle MIDI files and WAVE Samples at once and the hardware I owned was a bunch of crap too. I was in the need for something new those days because I wanted to get away from the classical composing based on a score and MIDI only that was finally pushed in quality by using SoundFonts and overdubbing several audio tracks. My goal was to mix MIDI with the use of samples, which is nothing that causes excitement but like I said my remedies were straight limited.

Over the years the whole thing fell into limbo. But yesterday everything returned while I was browsing through some of my old files because I was literally looking for the master of my first release. There they were, my old drum tracks, my old sketches, my old MIDI files… EVERYTHING. I always thought the whole data got lost one day but my backup strategy worked in a way. I instantly started to investigate what I actually found and if everything is still working and if I can use and/or rebuild everything to work on it 2k10 style. By now around 80% of the files that I’ve found are suitable and compatible. The other 20% are not worth to put time and energy on or it can be rebuild in a different way to make it suitable again.

I guess you know what that means, after TEN (!) years I am going to continue the work on my second solo music release. I have the remedy, I have my files, I have ideas and I have the will to bring it to a satisfying end.

Project:Brutal Truth

For around 3 to 4 weeks there’s something like a ‘personal project’ running with one very simple goal, to confront people with the brutal truth.

That means to absolutely tell no lies in conversations even when they may hurt or affect the person in front. Point #2 is to be straight forward and honest in every situation that affects me, like every single rude word or gesture and things like that.

Non-surprisingly nearly every person that got involved in my little personal project felt instantly affected. Whether it was a colleague confronted with a reaction to his unpolite behaviour or just being honest in every single situation where someone wants to hear a polite lie.

People do not like the truth and telling the brutal truth as often as you can makes the people get an opinion of you as if you are the last arrogant human prototype asshole on this earth. Well, I guess I’ll cancel this project

Lags, horrible LAGS

I would like to make a proposal. Days with 36 hours would be very nice. Why am I not having the time for anything? I have this bad foreshadowing that it got something to do with my work. Since I’ve been working my amount of free time decreased over the years. While hanging out in school or my apprenticeship and even my civilian service I had much more free time.

Delorean 2 by ~UtterBen

Even though I can’t say that I waste my time on useless things like watching pr0ns on the internet or raiding 12 hours per day in World of Warcraft. My maximum of sleep is around 5-6 hours per night so this can’t be the root of all evil that sucks my free time away. I don’t know what it is but I always have time for nothing. Maybe I should go and start some black hole investigations or bye me a DeLorean and build up a flux capacitator.