Laudanum

It’s been for a very long time now that I’m carrying some kind of “emotional baggage” with me. Actually I’m not sure if that’s the correct term for the current circumstances, but for some reasons do I feel depressed and exhausted for a very, very long time now. There’s nothing that can give this whole thing a change. Time passes by and its speed is permanently increasing. I’m not satisfied with anything.

I’ve been this moody during summer time and the time period before and I refuse to say that this is just a meteorosensitive phase. I seriously have no sodding idea where those moods are coming from or what causes them. Even in a moment of pure happiness I feel totally depressed and down.

Laudanum

One reason for all this may be the unavailability to capture the current moment. This sounds a lot like phantasm, but I always feel like, I can’t grab what’s there right now, I’m always on the chase for something that’ll be in the future. When I reach that very point I was chasing, it instantly turns out meaningless. I was thinking about this for a long time and I still haven’t found a true solution for this issue.

Fulfillment is what I’m missing and I don’t know where I lost the ability to capture the now and then. I’m like stuck to dates and schedules set fix in the future. On the other hand I also lost a lot of my patience. Not that I get instantly mad and furious, it’s more a lack of concentration and patience while doing things. It even affects my work. My head’s fulfilled with future plans and multiple paths to walk on and kinds of totally different projects that nothing is getting done in the end.

I really long for a journey offside all these things and by that I don’t mean three weeks of vacation. I seriously feel like I should change something for real. But, for Christ’s sake… I dunno

Back in the 19th century people went to a club where they could buy some Opium and fell deep into their minds and review their thoughts and feeling. Sodding hell, get me some Opium!

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