Category Archives: Life

Shut up, Hamburg! …and the rest of you

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Not many people have the privilege to say, that they were born in a country that does no longer exist. Actually, there are a few million people on this planet, that can say this about themselves, but I’ve not found a better introduction. Back to the thread, I was born in the German Democratic Republic. A small little country, occupied by the Soviets, located somewhere between Poland, Denmark, Czechoslovakia and the German Federal Republic.

Everything went quite well for almost 41 years, till the people of the East decided not to play the game of their government any longer and that it would be such a nice idea to reunite with the brothers and sisters of the West. They went out on the streets, demonstrated very polite and friendly, avoided violence and on October 3rd in 1990, the country where I was born, was gone forever. And everything changed.

Now, almost 22 years after these very exciting days, where I used to put my nose in the air to sniff a little of the wind of change do I sometimes look back and use to drown in silky memories. Against the public opinion, we actually did have sunlight in the GDR and some people were happy, I would say much happier than they are nowadays, and it wasn’t raining 24 hours, seven days a week.

And that’s the point were I go enrage. Our brothers and sisters of the West, when they visit the East, use to come to my (once home) country like an ignorant, arrogant knight that is uses to roll everything over that stands in the way. These “fortune knights” with their little brains and much smaller knowledge about what once used to be my country spot and complain about everything they see, when they travel through my territory. I don’t know where this self-importance comes from, but is necessary to act like you’re on a journey through a third world country?

I’ve recently this behavior while I was on my way back from home after work. I had these members of a debating society from the West-German town called Hamburg sitting right behind me on the bus. These guys were the pure, undisputed incarnation of progressive stupidity and plain ignorance. Talking like they’ve seen the whole but exhibiting they’ve actually a nothing when you read between the lines of their talking. I don’t want to revisit here what they where talking about, but just let me say, it was embarrassing for them if they were even capable of noticing what a retarded bunch of words rolled over their tongues.

For instance, when you were on a journey to a foreign, unknown country, would you permanently yell out loud how ugly everything looks like and that everything simply disgusts you. When you’re somewhat from a civilized country you’ll probably say no, because you know how to behave on unknown territory and you’ve got a fine portion of empathy to not offense the one standing in front of you.

The example I’ve mentioned is nothing unique. I’ve experience it very, very often and it simply feeds my anger about the people from the western part of Germany. As a cynical person I simply wanted start to treat these stupid, bad-ass bastards like they deserve to. But unfortunately, I’m also a pacifist. Lucky for them.

As a final, personal conclusion. I had this stereotype view on our brothers and sisters from the West and to a certain degree, I’ve got proven correct. There’s only a very small amount of people from this particular part of Germany that I approve, because the wide majority is nothing but a stupid, selfish, ignorant mass that watched my former home country from somewhere very high above and just spits on it. I’ll no longer try to be polite and open minded to them, because  that’s simply what I get vice versa. From now on, I’ll be the patriot of country that does no longer exist and defend it by all means necessary.

Bully the dreams you dreamt

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The majority of people tends follow a dream. Each and everyone of us has some kind of a goal in life or at least a vision. That’s totally natural and having dreams and visions helps us to stay focused and let us work and fight for this one thing we envision. One of the secrets in life is, you always need to have at least one goal and this one thing to keep you going on. Even though man always longs for complete satisfaction and fulfilment is complete satisfaction and fulfilment the one thing that finally destroys man. This can be a lot of things, like a happy family, a house, a particular car, a travel destination and so on. These days you’ll find mainly material goals instead of the spiritual ones that you could find in the pre industrialized society.

And that’s the point. When you ask people what they want in life, what their biggest wish actually is. You’ll hear at one certain point that they want to win the lottery jackpot. Lots of people are decent and will answer things like to stay healthy or no trouble for my family. But this jackpot seems to mean a lot for a vast majority.

Love, tenderness or decency

Winning such a jackpot turns out to be a curse. You’ll feel like you’ve reached all goals set with one hit without even realizing that you’re on the wrong track. You start to lie to yourself because this win is so overwhelming that it makes you forget what you truly want. Firstly, you won’t realize it and secondly you’ll find out when it’s already too late. That’s the moment where you literally stand on the edge of a giant cliff asking you the question if all your decisions were right. And after a while of looking deeply into yourself and reconsider your past you’ll find, that it was wrong. You were blinded by the splendor of your lucky fate that finally becomes one of your biggest nightmares.

Decency is a virtue and pretty rare these days. I include myself as well in this club of media driven whores that try to get every special item they can get. And this very materialism is the reason for the loss of focus on the spiritual and social things that make life worth a living. I’ve seen a lot people that have almost everything they could have wished or that are in position to finally get everything they want – material wise. But after scratching a little on the surface I found a shattered person with an infinite sadness hugging them in a pale, dark cloud making them unable to see the real thing.

It’s even more disappointing when you stand in this cloud and you start realizing. The golden cage comparison may not be the best one, but is the one finally will fit the describing needs in this very matter. Try to image you’ll find yourself in a position with all the things you always wanted – material wise. You navigate yourself into a gluttony that, again, leads to laziness and ignorance. Even though you’re open minded you’ll find yourself surrounded by the previously mentioned “splendor” but you lack of empathy. Cars, houses, TVs, video game consoles, luxury apartments, well paid jobs – things to keep you busy 24 hours, seven days a week but they cripple you mentally.

I can understand people when they say that their lottery win was the worst thing ever happened to them, because I had this kind of lottery win, too. And it’s devastating me. I measured things wrong. I wasn’t focused on what is truly important for me and last but not least, I was blinded.

Technocracy of retards

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Like almost every year did I pilgrim to this giant exposition in Hanover called CeBit. And like almost every year before was I not expecting much. Just to avoid the frustrating moment of pure disappointment about the things I’ve seen and/or not seen. And my assumptions were proven to be correctly.

It was by far the most boring and most uninspired exposition I’ve visited for years. A majority of the booths were the same. No real innovations were to be seen and a lot of things I’ve seen were simply displaced. I mean, why can I visit halls and halls of senseless gadget stuff and accessories on an exposition that was once mainly focused on the “big business”?

This big business is almost gone. Big manufacturers just appear on CeBit just to be there because people expect them to be there. No matter if there’s something worth to present or not. The amount of young kids storming the CeBit is another weird point that summons my dislike. I was once a young kid to that stroke on CeBit, but I was also a technology-phile kid that was interested in the stuff that could be seen there. These days, young kids just get there to get a day off school and collect useless crap.

On the other hand, and without a doubt, the time for real innovations in computer science is gone and over. The standard that we’ve reached in technology these days has reached such a high level, that it’s almost impossible to place a product on the market that makes people jaws drop. The last product that has gained such a high attention was the iPod and the iPhone. Even though those two weren’t actually real innovations. More a demonstration of how to do a perfectly initiated marketing campaign for a product that lacks of true innovations and improvement and to some degree already exist on the market. For e.g. multi tasking was one of the features that came with one iPhone, highly branded as THE new innovation, where BlackBerry and even Android users were just sitting there face palming.

But one of the main problems these days is also that a wide majority is simply too dumb to understand today’s technology even though they are using it each and every day. A problem case that I seriously cannot understand. It’s like driving a car without knowing what the steering wheel is good for. One can also notice this problem when you take a closer look at some students and apprentices these days. Most of just swallow facts without understanding how things match together. More and more do I get the impression that the world is drowning in a huge idiocracy.

What’s the conclusion for all these things mentioned? Well, finally, there’s no conclusion. The exposition was boring. Innovation time is over. The youth leads us into a dark and progressively stupid future.

Chastity’s curse

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Back in the days, when I was in my teen-years and a major part of my twen-years I was driven by something, let us say, intense libido. I’m not sure if it’s a natural development progress I’m going through or if it’s a side effect of my ‘focus-on-the-logic’ attitude, but my interest for any kind of sexual activity has reached absolute zero. And by saying that, I mean, I lost interest in everything that stands in relation to the act of replication.

Back in the days I was, what common people would call horny. I seriously have no glimpse of an idea what’s different these days, but like I said before. Sexuality disgusts me somehow. Even things like porn movies, where I was once a “big fan”, do not catch my attention or interest. I already started deleting a lot of the movies I collected over the years.

It’s like my field of interest has drastically changed over the month or years or whatever. For some people is sex some kind of deliverance. But for me currently, even the thought of sex, independent from who, where and how, gives me the creeps. When a slight glimpse of sexual related content enters my brain I instantly start to think of something like retarded monkeys banging each other out of a mood of boredom the whole bloody day. I’m not a monkey, God damn it!

 Chastity

Don’t confuse this issue with relationship problems, it’s definitely not. This is asexuality. I was thinking a lot about how to fix it. I imagined some creepy, wild, naughty things. I imagined some stereotype, trivial things. But I always end up with a distressed comment to myself that says “D’oh! This turns out to be work. Leave it!”

And I see monkeys banging each other.

I accuse mass media to be responsible for this problem. And the lack of time. And the fact that I’m always tired. And the pressure to perform that has infected today’s culture and society.

Honestly, it’s not bothering me that much, because I don’t feel bad because of it, but it made me think. And, additionally, I simply don’t feel the sodding need to exercise anything sexually related. I was just determining this issues and was wondering where it came from. Why it’s there? And maybe, how can I get rid of it. Last but not least, do I actually have to solve this “problem” when it’s not actually bothering me?

Turning the facebook page

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I’m experimenting these days. Well, I’m always experimenting with something, but these days it’s something with a kind of a public interest. It’s Facebook. What I recently did was to deactivate my account to see if there’s some loss in my everyday life.

For a sample purpose do I reactivate the account very early in the morning. To get absolutely sure, I also deactivated the chat and I’m not visible to anyone. I’m doing this to see, if there’s any kind of information with any true importance that I could have missed.

To be honest, the standard that Facebook’s reached baffles all descriptions. I’m aware that some friends of mine that I currently have on Facebook find this offensive, but it’s a matter of fact that this platform that was intended to stay in contact with friends turns more and more into a hilarious website like Reddit oder Imgur.

by strany

Most of the posts that I read on Facebook are about funny vids someone has found on YouTube or stupid pictures of whatever. I also started posting cute cat pictures everyday because it simply draws more attention than a post about my current mental state or something truly important.

Another thing that displeases me is that some people mistake Facebook for a group ware. And their circle of friends is a giant office that needs to be managed. I don’t have a problem with information about interesting upcoming events, but when it comes to invitations for such things I still prefer the old fashioned way like getting a call similar. But it seriously makes me disgruntled when I get receive invitations on for several events on Facebook. What is it? Am I at work and anyone else manages my schedule? For Christ’s sake, NO.

When it comes to such things, Facebook is a toy application. It’s good to make people get to know several things, but it’s a giant, epic fail when it comes to managing dates and events. Even Google fails on this and I personally believe that this deserves no attention in someone’s spare time. If there’s someone I care about I contact this person in a more personal way and not in such an anonymous way like Facebook does.

Did people truly become that pathetic that they interact with each other these days by using “Like”-buttons and “share” certain (meaningless) interests. I find it seriously frightening to see, how many waste their evenings on Facebook, even when it’s just running in the background. The amount of information that gets actually shared shrunk to such a minimum that it’s not even worth to boot up your computer for that or waste battery capacity of your smart phone.

by strany

On the other side, some people offer so much information about themselves on Facebook that you basically know more about them than you know about your own person. And this makes turns a lot of people into something that I use to call “discounted friends”. It was once part of an add that was running on TV, “We’ve got so many friends that we don’t even know how to call our real friends.”

The most disappointing thing about these whole modern social networking is, that a lot of people actually believe that these people in their friends list are truly friends. But when they would think for like five minutes and try to remember who their real friends are and how they once used to interact with each other, they hopefully find back to the path of the righteous.

I’m not sure if this is the right way that modern society has currently chosen, but I believe, that we turn more and more into these recently mentioned “discounted friends” and it’s getting harder with every day that passes by to find some real friends. Facebook did not make interacting with friends easier, it just made you care less. It turned communication into a one button solution. And it’s the perfect vindication for a society that spins faster each and every day.

Blurring lines

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The dog gets a dry nose when he’s not doing well. Common people get fever or feel odd when they’re not doing well, too. Me, I stop playing video games and almost every other activity that basically used to entertain me. Something is currently terribly wrong and I can’t exactly tell what it actually is.

It starts with the alarm clock in the morning and ends with the toothbrush in the evening. I feel totally uncomfortable with everything. Everything bothers me. Everything gets on my nerves. Everything bores me. Everything gives me enough arguments to hate it. I’m always tired, which is one of the reasons for everything previously mentioned. And I feel exhausted as well.

The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I can’t locate the origin of this disease. It’s easy to say, “I’m don’t feel right because of, …”

That is the crux. If you ask me what is wrong, I wouldn’t be able to answer. One thing I could guess, the traveling each and every day. A couple of month ago I felt happy about the fact that there’s a period in my schedule that allows me to relax and come down and turn the switch. That’s a problem I suffer from for many years. When you’re into a job that includes activities that are also a part of your spare time activities, you barely have the chance to completely get rid of such things. The lines between job and hobby blur and finally lead to a stress factor that in reverse cause this kind of burn out.

I first noticed this issue almost a decade ago, where I agreed to make a long term test with a psychologist we had in my company back in the days. I ran through different written tests that were set on specific dates over a period of something like two month. I’m not certain how long the tests actually went.

After running through these tests and several conversations with our psychologists I received the result. Conclusion of all this was, I’ve got a serious problem with making a straight cut between work and spare time. The reasonable fact that my hobby does not really differ from the things I had to do at work increased the degree of my problem. I always suffered from burn out like symptoms in almost every job that stood in any relationship with IT.

To be honest, I considered changing my occupational field for years. The wish for a change repeats in time intervals tending to be quite shorter than the one before. In other words, I feel like I’ve reached a dead end street not sure for how long I can push myself to do what I currently do. On the other hand, this is the only thing I’ve learned. And my own comic book store or video game store, for instance, would lead to the same problem. A hobby turned into a job.

I’m so jealous about those people doing something for living that has nothing in common with things they use to do in their spare time. Meanwhile, I always feel terribly annoyed when someone asks me about computer related things or wants some help. Years ago, I was starving for opportunities like these. Nowadays I just feel bored to death. It’s only a handful of people receiving help. Seriously, my “talent” disgusts me and in the meantime a lot of people noticed this and my generic aversion. Without a doubt, my entity’s changed and my sodding work has a lot of proportion on that.

The Commuter

Another theory of mine what it could be, that bothers and puts me down. My current location. It’s not a problem with the location where I live, I feel depressed by the village I work at. When you’re a person who lives in bigger cities for quite major part of your life, you’re used to several conveniences the “big city” brings with. I literally work at the edge of an abandoned field, a duck pond in sight and utility poles on the horizon. No infrastructure around. And that’s the point.

It’s not that I’m the kind of a guy permanently being off office and enjoying an extended lunch break, but I’m the kind of guy who seems to get terribly disturbed by the fact, that his infrastructure he was used to is gone. Seriously, I hate the fact that even my way home wastes like one hour and a half and that I can no longer do some private business whenever I want, because I simply don’t have the opportunities right here. Meanwhile, I doubt that I’m a commuter. It sickens me. It’s fun for several weeks, but I can barely imagine doing this for years.

That kind of luxury I once had and which is currently lost seems to be part of my desolate condition I’m currently in. In these very few moments that I have to wander around in my hometown, I walk around with eyes wide open and my chops fall down. Like one of these village people that have a great experience to get when they “visit the city”. For f#$k’s sake. I bloody miss this, and it chokes my throat every morning where I leave my city by train. I’m a Sissy in this special case, but I seriously feel like handcuffed at the moment.

To get the facts straight, I got myself into this and sooner or later I’ll get rid of this. Currently I’m saying to myself that I have to get through this and take this as an experience. Maybe, just maybe, my mind and my attitude will change on this whole suspect. Maybe I should take a long vacation somewhere far away to recharge. Maybe I should ignore all this and live kind of sad into each new day, wearing a mask with a grin. Actually, a lot of people will get confused seeing me with a grin on my face. Most of this emotional baggage is a result of years living a luxurious way of live which does not depend on money.

Now, more than ever, I’m aware of the preciousness to have time. One or two hours can make such a big difference these days.

The lust to kill

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It’s been in my mind since I was around twelve years old, that one particular question came to my mind again, again and again. How would it be to murder a human being?

A lot of people might come up here and yell, that this is pervert thinking or that I my mind is freaked out. But I personally believe that everyone feels the lust or at least an interest to murder someone. There’s no doubt that man always enjoys the feeling to have the ability to control another one or is able to influence one to satisfy ones personal needs. Even the ubersocial crowd tends to be completely non-sociable when they get the possibility to gain the lead and as an result of this the control of someone else.

Humans in groups always tend to create some kind of an hierarchy and nevertheless they are not far from abusing their abilities depending on their role in the group. Or their capabilities in thinking. It’s nature’s law that the stronger one kills the weak one. With evolution, the development of the human brain and ethical values man lost the awareness of this particular law. Which is good, otherwise mankind would have been already erased from this planet and some other species would have taken place.

The recently mentioned ethical values are one of the main reasons why most of today’s common people even deny to think about murdering someone else. Most of them don’t waste a single moment to even try to imagine, how it would be. When you try to talk with someone about this topic, you’ll get a view with eyes of spotting on you fulfilled with many question marks.

For instance, a lot of people, especially those who raise children have a weird and strange tendency to become murderers or see murder as something to correct failure behaviour in this world. I’m talking about pedophilia. A lot of parents or other people with straight and fixed “correct” ethical values defend death sentence and want it back when it comes to judge pedophiles. This is, for me, like burying the trash as deep as you could under ground just to keep it out of sight.

...Murder in the Dark...

Man denies to watch the beast right into the eyes. Man prefers to stab it from the back and shovels it somewhere not to be found. Those who face the beast keeping their ethical values are the ones who can get a neutral point of view and measure murder with all its consequences in a correct matter. The small group of people who gets overwhelmed by the beast are the ones who finally tend to truly murder.

With this said in a exaggerated metaphorical way I personally come to the conclusion, that everyone can be a murderer. Without a doubt, murder is caused due to a chain of different events and circumstances that finally channels. You can’t measure murder by putting one tag of a reason on it. You always have to count and seek every single part of the puzzle to understand why it has come to this item.

According to this, the complexity preexistence, I also tend to say that everyone can be a murderer. Maybe it’s also a lack of intelligence that some people cannot even image how it would to kill somebody else. This intelligence barrier is quite good, because stupidity always leads to disease.

For a very long time did I think that this aversion against the imagination of the act of murder is something instinctive. This would come in contradiction to nature’s law and its methods to keep balance within a species and between several species. It’s more a result of the way we grew up and the values our  parents gave us we’d to live by every day. Also a thing of society and nowadays the media. Mass media has such a giant influence on people’s view on certain thing. Just compare people’s ethical values in Europe and the USA as to violence, murder, usage of weapons and torture.

The USA teaches their people that dismemberment and such things are normal, even war. On the other hand, they pretend that a nude body, women’s breasts are worst thing. You should not even speak about it. It’s the complete opposite in Europe. We take the human body as naturally given and have to shame to show it or to watch it. We consider violence, dismemberment, murder as wrong and that is what it totally is – wrong. From an ethical point of view and when it has nothing in common with the balance keep of one particular species.

Man has developed too much to follow these animalistic values anymore. Man prefers not to kill the weak ones. Man prefers to kill the different ones. But these are things you have to argue with on a much larger scale, when it comes to things like genocide. And still, what about the single human being?

The bar’s set much higher to murder someone in a “small environment” than it is to kill thousands of people. Is it, because swarm intelligence only works out on the lowest level? Like “good” mass media does? Keeping the standards low that everyone can understand and take part of the big discussion? Being part of the game?

Man likes to see masses get killed but denies to imagine to kill a single human being. Even when man has the ability to stab it from the back.

The haunted night

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Things are getting weirder and weirder these days. First this depression thingy, now I found myself surrounded by ghosts and mysterious visions. My last night was a pure nightmare. I barely closed my eyes and grabbed some sleep. It almost felt like I was soaked into the plot of Poe’s ‘Tell-Tale Heart’

Right after going to bed and resting my head on my pillow I heard a silent, gently knocking from somewhere inside the room. It wasn’t actually a knocking, it sounded more like the rhythm of a marching drum in a far distance. Worst thing about it, I couldn’t locate where it actually came from.

I wasn’t really caring that much about the drum or the knocking or whatever it was and fell asleep – finally.

It was around 3:00am when I heard that knocking again. A little more intense and the rhythm changed from marching drum to constantly knocking. Even the noise itself became much louder than the one I heard before closing my eyes. I tried to cover myself in the most comfortable way possible and tried to get back to sleep. Without success —-

The knocking disturbed me and I also have to admit that I got little frightened. Another thing that bothered me as hell, I’d to pee so badly. I tried to ignore my strangury and kept lying quiet under my cover.

 

There weren’t many options, I had to go off to the toilet and got rid of my liquid baggage. I gathered all my courage and did what I had to do. Success —

It was almost 4:30am and not even an hour until I have to stand up and get on my way to work. What I did was tossing around till the alarm clock rang and got finally up. Everything was fine, I was a little tired, but that’s no surprise due to the fact that I barely grabbed some sleep in the night hours before.

I was sitting in front of the TV watching some stupid, classic videos on VH1 and eating my breaking. Until, out of nowhere, that knocking appeared again. Loud and clear and closer than ever before —

Driven by an unknown source

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It’s been weeks now that I suffer from these weird depressions I’ve mentioned in one of my previous posts. I actually do not understand where they come from and most importantly, why I’ve got them. The depression period is much longer than the previously mentioned weeks, a couple of month to be more exact. But it’s a couple of weeks now that I recognize them with more awareness.

Curiously, this is a condition that I’ve never experienced before and additionally did I never believe, that I could probably notice a depression without even knowing the cause. I’m a very cynical person and I also don’t give that much about mind related illnesses. According to this I find this current state even more hilarious. Also very frightening. It’s like standing right beside yourself without the possibility to actually reach yourself.

Basically it comes out of nowhere. A phase of deep sadness and loss of self-confidence. Like I said before, I don’t give much about those things and I also find people using therapy for mental illnesses simply waste money of our health care system. This loss of control about my emotional circumstances confuse me.

I’ve got several presumptions about this whole thing. One’s a job-wise one and the other one is a location-wise one. I also presume that the massive loss of spare time could be one reason, too. Another thing, I’m always tired and exhausted each and every time. I’ve got this weird lack of concentration and attention and I personally think that I failed on almost everything during the last few month.

My overall condition is far from good at the moment, but I’m aware of that and I personally do not think that this the reason for this melancholy driven sadness that affects me here and then. To be honest, I don’t have one sodding, important reason to be sad or depressed, but it affects me everyday and mostly in the worsts moments one can imagine.

I ain’t superstitious

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A lot of people totally freak out these days, because a new year is just around the corner and lots of people start making new year’s resolutions. You might expect what’s my opinion about these things; yes – it’s complete bullshit.

Let’s take it logically and without all these emotional influences some people are affected to use with events like New Year’s Eve. It’s just some digits on the calendar that change and nothing else. And here’s the thing. So many people waste their time on reviewing the last twelve month, start predicting what’s to come next and how wonderful everything was the years before.

Some just sit and complain how fast everything goes and ask themselves where time has gone to. Actually, I personally do not care about it. Time is fixed and does not run fast or slow. It’s also without any sodding meaning what has been in the past, because it has no essential influence on the current moment, except there was an event with certain aftermaths.

It’s pathetic how some people turn New Year’s Eve into such an occult event. What is this, medieval age? The dawning of the of the superstitious idiots?

I don’t have a problem to have a nice time in company with some friends, but what I hate is this backslapping at midnight, like you’ve been friends for eras without even knowing who the hell this guy is in front of you. There have been several New Year’s Eves that I also used to stay on my own and doing something useful (like overclocking my graphics card). Best thing about it, I was able to get to bed early without having a terrible hangover.

I’ve spoken to a friend this very morning and he’s got the same opinion about this whole thing. Why not just hanging around with each other like every other common day, without these ridiculous rituals or whatever people do to still the hunger of their superstition?